Weaving a Web of Lies!

I have found that my life so far is a slew of awkward situations and stories carefully held together by scotch tape and homemade gorilla glue. It’s messy but interesting, never dull and consistently leaves me peeling dried glue off my hands at the end of the day. That being said, I have some news.

For some unknown reason the big man upstairs/the flying spaghetti monster has taken pity on my life and allowed A BOY TO LIKE ME. And it just so happens that I caught a few feelings in return. Here we are, two people pretending to be adults in mutual like with one another yet pretending to the outside world that we’re nothing more than friends.

Why, might you ask? This is where things get a bit complicated…. Up until recently, we were co-workers spending 3+ nights a week together tending to every whim and fancy of the upper class. In the midst of slaving away, I started to realize we had a lot of common interests/morals/passions/weird childhood obsessions and things started to click. Did I like him? No no, we’re coworkers. Did I catch a case of the feels? Hell to the no, the thought never crossed my mind. Was I interested in trying to make a move? Maybe when Donald Trump wins the presidential election (I’m still crossing my fingers for a fat chance in hell).

You can ask any of my friends- I’m super stubborn and refuse to face my emotions. I would panic when my best friend would try to talk to me and completely shut down. I finally woman-ed up, told myself to be brave and there is no shame in making yourself vulnerable in an effort for companionship. Well, at least that’s what I preached after 3 shots and a cocktail. Oops?

What started as innocent sessions “let’s watch Sherlock together and hang out after work” aka Netflix and chill, I realized that I was ignoring my own feelings. I was interested and wanted to make a move without jeopardizing the separation of work and personal. After a couple weeks of hanging out and sitting closer and closer on the couch until we were only a few inches apart, I finally made a move and the rest has been history.
In an effort to keep our work and personal lives separate, we were pretending like we weren’t dating one another at work. I didn’t want to be a part of the rumor mill or a source of gossip; plus I wanted my role to remain serious and professional. While this hasn’t been a problem at work, I have run into a few occasions that could’ve blown my cover- BIG TIME.

Only a week or two after we started dating, I wanted to go on a date and do something active. Maybe go to a bar and spend some quality time together. We planned on going one night after work to grab a drink. We were taking a T together when immediately across from us are the roommates of my co-worker ONE OF WHOM happens to be the infamous CHRIS from my Tinder Meets Real Life post!! EEK. My cover was totally blown!! I immediately started sweating, couldn’t figure out what to do with my hands and was panicking on the inside. We had to say hi and make awkward small talk like nothing was wrong… OH MY GLOB IT WAS SO AWKWARD.

We got off the train and I immediately had to figure out how to cover this up the next day at work. I couldn’t pretend like we hadn’t been hanging out in case my co-worker found out from her roommate… but I had also lied and said I was hanging out with “some friends” after work. *insert inner monologue: OKAY I GOT IT! My friends cancelled on me, but I still wanted to go out. So I asked Nick if he wanted to grab a drink when we casually bumped into Chris and the other roommate on the T. That’ll work, Abby! Reeeeaaaaal casual.*

Somehow I got away with it. It seemed normal enough that Nick and I would hang out after work, as we had done it before. PHEW! Crisis averted. In another instance, Nick was going to meet me after work so we could go to a café around the corner. Turns out it was our friend’s birthday and they were going out for drinks. I lied and said I made plans already but would try to rearrange them. Buuuuut since I already solidified plans with Nick, I didn’t want to be rude and cancel. Minutes after I left work and said goodbye, I met Nick a few blocks away. We kissed hello and headed into the café WHEN ONE OF MY COWORKERS WALKED OUT OF THE FRONT DOOR. OH MY GOD. How could I possibly cover this up!?
All three of us awkwardly said hello and quickly ran by each other… I literally just lied to her minutes ago saying I was meeting up with “a friend” but now I totally looked suspicious!! After shooting her a text, she promised to keep it to herself for the time being which made me feel immensely better. So much sneaking about and lying!! I can’t live like this!

Another couple months have gone by, and I’ve been dying to tell my co-workers! I’m terrible at lying when they ask how my weekend was, or if they’re curious what shift Nick is working and I happen to know. I’ve also been dying to write about all of these shenanigans but was too nervous they’d find out! After some time searching, Nick found a new job and we came clean. I don’t think I’m made for secret “office” romances!

I’m sad to say that I won’t have any OKCupid updates or stupid Tinder stories to share for awhile (hopefully anyway!) but I’m sure I’ll have fun, new stories to share as I’m understanding what it’s like to be in a relationship again after years of singledom.

On Thursday, I have a new foodie blog post to share! Stay tuned!

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OkCupid Nightmares

I feel like I’m slowly starting to lose faith in the male species and their ability to talk to women. I really don’t know how some phrases became the norm or when girls really started accepting their behavior… but here we are! I’m almost convinced at this point that I just keep my OkC accounts for pure humor because I’ve hardly gotten any message that I find remotely interesting…Well. Maybe I can’t say that exactly. The messages I get are definitely INTERESTING, as in maybe they need psychiatric evaluation interesting. But certainly not the genuine kind of interesting that I find attractive.

Lets get to it! Here are my newest slew of messages to share!

From BananaHead777:

What’s your opinion on fetishes?

My opinion is no thank you!! Also, how did you come up with your username….

From HotPotatoh:

dammit Abby there are two people in every picture of you, is that a conscious thing or do girls like to be confusing for the fun of it 🙂

First of all, not true. I have three individual photos on my page. Also, if you can’t figure out who I am from all the pictures I have posted by seeing who shows up over and over again, then it’s already over. Dumb.

From LivingIntheWild:

Hello 🙂 How’s your day going? So I know this is random, but would you mind if I asked for your advice/opinion on something dating related? I’ve asked my friends but people tend to be very polarized and biased so I thought asking a stranger here would be a bit more useful. P.S. you’re very intriguing and pretty btw!

I already got a message from a guy named andrewp014 asking this exact same thing and using the same pictures… so the first time, I responded saying yes I would answer a question. He then asked to call me on the phone and ask to which I declined but then he asked via the internet anyway… He asked me about his penis and my thoughts on circumcision! WHAT STOP GO AWAY!

So I ended up responding to him, cause I had ENOUGH of this shit and said,

“Are you going to ask me about your penis again andrewp014 ? Because you’ve already asked me before and it’s weird. Cut that shit out”

To which he replied, “huh?”

DONT MESS WITH ME LIVINGINTHEWILDERNESS!

From JohnJAmate:

Tetris isn’t nerdy it’s the epitome of Soviet Russia

………………………………….ok…..

From RockBass1977:

Hello there Abby. I liked your pictures and your profile. I’m an easy going guy who likes too laugh and enjoys having fun.
Music is my passion. I’ve been playing bass guitar now 28 years and it’s the best life. During the day I work as an medical assistant which I find very rewarding. If you want to know more, please message me. Thank you.

Rick

How many fucking usernames are you going to send me the same message under!? This is at least the third time I’ve gotten a message from Rick. LordBass1977, RockBass1977, SirRockBass1977… STOOOOOOOOOOOOOP

From LoveIsInTheAir44:

Omg you’re freaking beyond beautiful 😍😍 and I love your eyes!!! But what are you up to? And by the way I’m Ed. Do you have Instagram or snap chat at all?

Of course I have Instagram and snapchat… but I’m not going to send you nudies, you freak. I know why you were asking!!!! I’m onto you!

From samsungwolf:

hi amby

..I didn’t know my name was Amby?

From sherkhan333:

Hi how are you doing Madam? You sound interesting 🙂 what’s your name?

I’m a Madam? Really??

From bibz646:

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 Hi Hi

Which is the most shocking city in the world?? 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

Oh boy, I don’t even know where to begin… First of all, the profile says he’s from India. Why do people in other states/countries think I want to chat with them?! I don’t want to date anyone who isn’t within 15 minutes from me let alone thousands of miles away! Also, I don’t even know how to interpret that question… What does ‘shocking’ mean in this context???

But also, you guys have to see this guys profile pictures lololololol

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AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST!!

From chukM:

Trying out this online dating, trying to find a nice white girlfriend. Since I moved to the states I noticed there’s a high rate of racism, unlike the UK where its almost gone. I prefer light skinned ladies and I love cultured people. I was raised in a cultured environment where women are cherished and everyone treats each other with respect. I love cooking and I’d love to have a girlfriend I could shower with love, give her breakfast in bed and treat her like a princess. I think you are beautiful and you seem well cultured. Two things I also admire in ladies are ambitiousness and adventurousness. I’d be excited to see if you got them all. I’m chuck by name and I’d love to hear from you. Do you mind we getting to know other?

Whoa whoa whoa, I’m white!?! SINCE WHEN! I never noticed that about myself. Second: WOW. I feel so enlightened to know that the UK eradicated racism. If only the US could learn from them…

And personally, I don’t want to be treated as a princess. I want to be treated as an EQUAL. Does sexism not exist in the UK anymore either??

A nice white girlfriend my ass…

Matt from Buzzfeed has an absolutely HILARIOUS web series called Whine About It where he drinks wine at his desk and complains about stuff. Thought I’d share his SPOT ON video about online messages!

Anyway! I hope you guys got a couple laughs! On Food for Thought Thursday, I interviewed my roommate, Allie, who works as a manager at Shake Shack! Check out what her job experience is like! See you guys soon!

My new name is Baddy.

Guys, I think I’m slowly but surely losing my Amish-ness. When I was a freshman in college, I felt like I was in this protected bubble. My friends and I in high school really enjoyed playing Monopoly and eating mass amounts of pizza for fun. I didn’t understand how my classmates got their hands on alcohol or why they even wanted to drink for that matter! I was having the time of my life fake urban exploring with my friends and watching movies.But slooooowly and surely I’m changing my tune. Is that a good thing?

Going to college, I got the questions a lot, “do you drink? do you smoke? What do you even do for fun?” ALLLLLLLLLL THE TIIIIIME. I had made a conscious choice not to drink (I thought ever) but I slowly changed my mind once I turned 21 and felt more comfortable. I was always the DD for any party and I always could tell when things were just out of control as well as out of my comfort zone. The second someone spills jungle juice on me is typically when I called it quits for the night. When I was almost 21, I started to get really curious about what being drunk was like and why it seemed like everyone was having and experiencing some type of fun I didn’t understand.

I spent my first night being drunk at my friends house, just the two of us so I was really comfortable. I wasn’t traveling nor was I surrounded by a bunch of people I didn’t know or trust. We ended up buying pink lemonade vodka since I don’t like anything fizzy and of course, was the cheapest and girliest thing we could buy. As I became more intoxicated, I quickly found out that I was basically just a giggly, happy-go-lucky drunk. Probably the best kind of drunk you can be. And I had fun. No shame in my game! The rest of my drinking life then became history.

So maybe I wasn’t so hung up on the idea that I was never going to drink despite what I told my parents my entire life growing up. But I found a way that I felt comfortable and in control of the situation. The whole next year revolved around drinking with my friends on the weekends then. It was always about what party we were going to or what bar we were trying out. This isn’t a saga about how I’m an alcoholic now or anything because I’m probably the biggest lightweight you’ll ever meet with no social life. YAY!

For the past couple months, I’ve contemplated getting a ear pierced. OOOOH BAD I KNOWWWWW. I wanted to get my cartilage done just for funsies. My mom’s philosophy with piercings was and I quote, “If I were meant to have more holes, I would’ve come with them”. Not that she was forcing that philosophy on me and my sister, but we always played along with it. Buuuut now, I’m 23, I think it’s time to get a piercing if I want one. I think since my childhood was so picture perfect, I maybe am trying to break the mold a little bit. My roommate sent me this picture below and it probably couldn’t be more true. I even got a new nickname from my friend Laura replacing Abby with Baddy. I’m a bad-ass. Hellz yeaaaah

472All I’m saying is that I think it’s great for everyone to come into their own whatever way that means. You love body modification whether that means piercings or tattoos or both? Awesome. Are you more comfortable breaking the gender norms and wearing clothes that express who you really are? I’m in full support. I don’t believe in tolerating inequality no matter what form it takes and I think it’s amazing that society is finally starting to accept all different walks of life! Be nice to each other, okay? That’s really all I’m saying.

Enough with my Golden Rule babble, you want to see a picture of my new badass piercing right? RIIIIIGHT!

473Whats your story? What kinds of rebellious things have you guys done? Check back on Thursday for my recipe of homemade oreos! THEYRE SO GOOOOOOOOOOD. Until next time!

Cute Old Farts Message Me

Wahoo! Another installment of the horrifying messages I receive on OkCupid and other dating sites! Let’s get right to the nitty gritty, why don’t we?

From Onetime1977:

I am a little older so if you would like to chat, cool.
if not I totally understand. I just liked your profile
and thought your pics were adorable. just sayin’
you are stunning!!

MEH. No where in my profile does it say I want to be hit on by men almost twice my age. GO AWAY!!! And also, one time what?? Is that the beginning of a story or the amount of times he’s been successful at hitting on a girl?

From blackk_diamond24:

Hello there lovely:) care to chat? I won’t bite lol

I feel like the people who say that are ACTUALLY the ones who bite… RUN AWAY ABBY

From RevolveandEvolve:

Hi Abby, I’m Patrick. I like you. Let’s be friendsz

How do you know you like me, Patrick? Bonus points for not blatantly hitting on me but are you really on this site to be friendszZZSssZZSszzssSSZ?

From CoolPerson1238:

Hi. I just joined this app today and wanted to have a friendly chat. I saw your profile and you look a amazing person to me. If you do not mind let’s have a friendly chat.

That one was from March 28th and the next day I got yet another message from him…

they are many girl here on this app. when people see then they go crazy. but to me only you are the most beautiful girls. when i see your eyes i think they are looking inside my soul. your hairs are so pretty.

Hmm ok where do I start? 20 years old and from Pakistan?? How is that even remotely supposed to work out even if he happens to be a normal non-psychopathic human? Sure… friendly chat? Is that what we’re calling it now? Also, the thing about my eyes scares me. Is that a compliment? Or does that make me kind of demonic? And thanks CoolPerson1238, I think my hairs are nice too.

From NB4_:

Hey Abby! How is it going?I don’t usually message people but you are totally worth it. I had a constant smile while reading through your profile. I would like to share my world with you. I like to express my feeling both with words and gifts plus free dinner on weekends!! Hurry offer lasts for limited time only.

Is this an infomercial? Gifts PLUS free dinner?? LIMITED TIME ONLY?! I’m such a lucky girl! I’m gonna message him RIGHT away! ………..NOT BYE FELICIA

From StraightFromMIA:

Honestly – I bet your Starbucks lovers wouldn’t even tell me you’re insane

Okok I see you. Points for trying to use a Taylor Swift pick up line.

From PulkitMania:

Hey your beauty makes the morning sun look like the dull glimmer of the moon. 😊 how’s it going?

Whoa whoa whoa, tryna pull out all the stops eh? But why are you messaging me from California?

From pEruquiAI:

Helloow ^^
Walking on the ropes of fate,
It appears I have stumbled upon you,
Are you my future best friend ?

No? I don’t think so?

And FINALLY! The best message of them all, so much so that I literally LOL-ed when I read this because it’s so ridiculous…

From CuteOldFart:

Hey there.

Please, please, please, do not take this as an insult. You’re absolutely beautiful, and I was wondering if you would consider giving me a 1 hour massage for $150.

I feel horribly asking you. I’d be happy to treat you to some lunch, dinner, a coffee, whatever first so you can meet me and decide. No pressure, no commitment.

Let me know if you’d consider it and we can talk more. Thanks so much

What does beauty and needing a massage have anything to do with one another? UGH SUCH A CREEP. If you feel horrible asking me, then WHY did you ask? NO NO NO NO NO! Here’s some pictures for your viewing pleasure since I was smart enough to screenshot the message before he disabled his account!

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So that’s all for now! As always, I’ll post again once I get even more gems! Maybe one day a nice, NORMAL boy will message me. But until then, I’ll keep posting the weirdo ones here. Giggle away, friends! On Food for Thought Thursday, I write about Baker Pet Peeves so come back and check it out then!

My One True Love

I have yet another installment of terrible online dating messages! YES THE MOMENT WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR! I’ve been saving them for awhile so I can share a collection of really cringe-worthy messages. And to add fuel to the fire, I’ve also joined Tinder thanks to the persuasion of my lovely roommates! Here we go….

Isufanfirlyfe said:

” I think you’re really cute :] will you snapchat me?”

No, no I won’t. Even though you’ve changed your profile name to something even creepier than Redneckbaby1992, I still recognize you from the 3,000 other messages you’ve sent me in the past. PLEASE REFRAIN FROM MESSAGING ME AGAIN

Zweebinabox said:

“Aaaa, Millah! GET IT, LIKE “A” AS IN EYY?! HEH Anyways, are you super buried by finals, too?”

Yikes. Just… yikes.

Gelito62 said

Hey what’s up 🙂 do you know where sheep get their hair done? “

The bahhhh-ber shop. Original.

And last but not least, my favorite from OkCupid…

From SumitBarua (Who I’m pretty sure I’ve gotten a message from before…):

12/19 : yes. you can read my profile and I am not interested in one night but I am looking for someone who can be with me forever.
12/20: I know you visited my profile. What things interest you the most.
12/20: Good evening Abby how are you today

TO WHICH I THEN REPLY AND I QUOTE: “go away”

12/20: why
12/20: is there any problem
12/20: why are you telling me to go away

Which I then proceeded to block him. Enough’s enough Sumit.

Lastly, I need to share my absolute favorite match from Tinder. The love of my life. One true love. I don’t need to look anywhere else. 172The message that soon after ensues says: ” You look a meat lovers kind of girl. Extra sausage?”

HAHAHAHAHAHHAA OH MY GOD WHAT IS THIS. I know pizza is my one true love but I can’t handle this. Its too much!

So sadly, no luck in the romance department at the moment but don’t you worry internet, you’ll be the first to know if I make any strides. Baby steps people, baby steps.

Until next time!

Straight Boggin’

Fall is my favorite season in the most cliche common white girl way. I love the colors, wearing boots and sweaters and drinking hot chocolate. Sorry, no PSL lovin’ at Starbies from me though. On my days off and after work on the weekends, I’ve been trying my best to enjoy the beautiful weather and feel like a normal human.

A couple weeks ago, I went apple picking with my roommate/best friend/secret lesbian lover and we just galavamped all throughout the orchards, eating as many apples as possible. Of course, we couldn’t leave without buying a gallon of apple cider- YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM. I ended up making some applesauce out of half of them- which I had never done but it turned out pretty sweet (no pun intended)!
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To make the applesauce (for those interested), I chopped and peeled my apples and stuck them into a soup pot. Added some orange juice and cider just until the apples floated. Then I added some spice and sugar and cooked the crap out of it, stirring occasionally! Cook time was probs over an hour or so until it was the right consistency. The apples just break down over time so add liquid if you need it and OF COURSE taste along the way to see if you need to add anything else. Let me know if you end up making any of your own!

I spent another day going to Concord and Lexington with another friend to visit my philosophical soulmate, Ralph Waldo Emerson. Concord was SO GORGEOUS. And definitely white picket fence. Hellooooo property taxes at their finest. We walked around town, went into some antique shops and then to visit my main man. We also drove past Walden Pond! Lastly, we went to something called Wilson Farms in Lexington which was this huge farmers market with fresh apple cider donuts (you bet your ass I bought one of those too) along with a bunch of other homemade/homegrown foods. YUM-O.

My most recent adventure was going to a cranberry bog with Flour! My bakery organizes field trips for anyone who wants to go to learn something about the food service industry! It happened to be my day off so I drove out to Carver, MA to visit this beautiful bog.

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Turns out this is one of the 3% of bogs in the US that DOESN’T do wet harvesting. Basically what you see in the OceanSpray commercials- standing in those rubber pants amongst all the berries. So cranberries are of course still grown in bogs, but at this specific farm, they’re harvested by a small combine that gently picks off the berries and gathers them in burlap sacks. Then the sacks get dumped into gray containers (18-20 bags can fit in one) and are stacked three high to then have a helicopter airlift them out!

Wet harvesting is when they flood the bogs, and the cranberries float to the surface due to their buoyancy. They’re then collected and sent to be sorted. However, these berries are typically used for juices, craisins, any type of cranberry inclusion because the harvesting process tends to damage the berries more than dry harvesting. The most interesting, and kind of disturbing thing I learned however, was that dried cranberries are usually squeezed to death and then re-saturated with sweetened cranberry juice. So essentially dried cranberries aren’t healthy. Maybe it was just me, but I was really surprised!

They then took us inside their store/museum-y building and showed us an old sorting machine that was only hooked up to electricity 40 years ago. Otherwise they’d have to do it all by hand!

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After our cranberry adventure, my roommate and I didn’t exactly want to go home yet, especially since we drove an hour to get there. We ended up checking out Plymouth which was only a few miles away. I saw the Mayflower and Plymouth Rock, which ended up being the pet rock of America. It was literally surrounded by fences and screaming children. What more can you ask for, right?

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Ya know, just tryin to live my life and not be a slave to working or babysitting. Knowledge is power, my friends. Hope you enjoyed this semi-foody post! Welcome to my world. L8tr homiesssss

What the fuck is a Five Year Plan?

What they don’t tell you in college is that post grad isn’t always exactly what it seems. Landing the “perfect” job is near impossible, and so is affording your rent or eating anything other than ramen or cereal. I mean, that’s also what can be so great about post grad: shamelessly eating mass amounts of cereal that your mom never let you buy as a kid (my current indulgence is good ol’ Reeses Puffs) and finding really inventive ways to make your craphole of an apartment your home.

Recently, I’ve been trying to do some career soul searching to figure out what my goal in the long run is. While I really love the environment I work in now, I’m not sure that my long term goal is to be a “pastry chef”. You work even crazier hours and depending on where you work, are probably not managing the best employees while dealing with crazy customer demands and higher management. I definitely hope that a role like this will be a piece of my journey but probably not my end game. I’ve been toying with the idea for quite some time now that I would eventually like to teach baking since I loved my learning process in college and it could be super rewarding.

Basically upon dedicating myself to this within the last two weeks, my head has been SPINNING. I can honestly say that I’ve been extremely lucky to have such amazing teachers and old bosses serving as my mentors on how to have a successful and happy life (Talking about you guys: Meagan, Ian, Rick, Lagalle just to name a few!). But after speaking with some of them, what hit me most was, “What is your five or ten year plan?”

UH. WUT. I forgot I was even supposed to have one of those! My goal for the last 22 years has been to educate myself, work hard and enter into a business to make money and be successful. Now that I’m just scratching the surface, I have to come up with a new goal?? Jesu Christo, I’m not a miracle worker. I barely eat three meals a day and literally every pair of socks I own have holes in them cause I’m too poor to buy new ones. How can I come up with a 5 year goal when I don’t even know what I need to do tomorrow besides fending for myself in broad daylight?

At this point, I think it’s safe to say that my 5 year goal doesn’t include babysitting two terrors that accidentally headbutt me and leave a lumps on my forehead (true story); nor is it to wake up every day at 3am only to fall asleep at 830 every night. I can also hope that I can get the two car seats that are currently installed in my backseat out eventually so I can avoid situations like this one:

*Naive unsuspecting Abby is waiting in her car for her friend Cecelia to grab her wine before heading to a party. The passenger door opens and behold: 3 drunk guys. Conversation ensues…

Drunkard: Hey, if we pay you, can we get a ride up the street?
Abby: Uhhhhh, well I’m just waiting for my friend and I really don’t have much room in the backseat sooooo….
Drunkard: *looks to backseat* …..Do you have two kids?
Abby: ……………………………………………………………….noooooo. I just babysit.
Drunkard: Oh, well that’s more enticing then. We’ll sit in the car seats and we can pay you

IS THIS REAL LIFE PEOPLE.

Do you have a 5 year plan? How are you getting through post-grad life? And to all of you still in college: BUCKLE UP AND BOOZE WHILE YOU STILL CAN

I’m gonna go eat pizza right now like a responsible, healthy adult. BYEEEEEE