Weaving a Web of Lies!

I have found that my life so far is a slew of awkward situations and stories carefully held together by scotch tape and homemade gorilla glue. It’s messy but interesting, never dull and consistently leaves me peeling dried glue off my hands at the end of the day. That being said, I have some news.

For some unknown reason the big man upstairs/the flying spaghetti monster has taken pity on my life and allowed A BOY TO LIKE ME. And it just so happens that I caught a few feelings in return. Here we are, two people pretending to be adults in mutual like with one another yet pretending to the outside world that we’re nothing more than friends.

Why, might you ask? This is where things get a bit complicated…. Up until recently, we were co-workers spending 3+ nights a week together tending to every whim and fancy of the upper class. In the midst of slaving away, I started to realize we had a lot of common interests/morals/passions/weird childhood obsessions and things started to click. Did I like him? No no, we’re coworkers. Did I catch a case of the feels? Hell to the no, the thought never crossed my mind. Was I interested in trying to make a move? Maybe when Donald Trump wins the presidential election (I’m still crossing my fingers for a fat chance in hell).

You can ask any of my friends- I’m super stubborn and refuse to face my emotions. I would panic when my best friend would try to talk to me and completely shut down. I finally woman-ed up, told myself to be brave and there is no shame in making yourself vulnerable in an effort for companionship. Well, at least that’s what I preached after 3 shots and a cocktail. Oops?

What started as innocent sessions “let’s watch Sherlock together and hang out after work” aka Netflix and chill, I realized that I was ignoring my own feelings. I was interested and wanted to make a move without jeopardizing the separation of work and personal. After a couple weeks of hanging out and sitting closer and closer on the couch until we were only a few inches apart, I finally made a move and the rest has been history.
In an effort to keep our work and personal lives separate, we were pretending like we weren’t dating one another at work. I didn’t want to be a part of the rumor mill or a source of gossip; plus I wanted my role to remain serious and professional. While this hasn’t been a problem at work, I have run into a few occasions that could’ve blown my cover- BIG TIME.

Only a week or two after we started dating, I wanted to go on a date and do something active. Maybe go to a bar and spend some quality time together. We planned on going one night after work to grab a drink. We were taking a T together when immediately across from us are the roommates of my co-worker ONE OF WHOM happens to be the infamous CHRIS from my Tinder Meets Real Life post!! EEK. My cover was totally blown!! I immediately started sweating, couldn’t figure out what to do with my hands and was panicking on the inside. We had to say hi and make awkward small talk like nothing was wrong… OH MY GLOB IT WAS SO AWKWARD.

We got off the train and I immediately had to figure out how to cover this up the next day at work. I couldn’t pretend like we hadn’t been hanging out in case my co-worker found out from her roommate… but I had also lied and said I was hanging out with “some friends” after work. *insert inner monologue: OKAY I GOT IT! My friends cancelled on me, but I still wanted to go out. So I asked Nick if he wanted to grab a drink when we casually bumped into Chris and the other roommate on the T. That’ll work, Abby! Reeeeaaaaal casual.*

Somehow I got away with it. It seemed normal enough that Nick and I would hang out after work, as we had done it before. PHEW! Crisis averted. In another instance, Nick was going to meet me after work so we could go to a café around the corner. Turns out it was our friend’s birthday and they were going out for drinks. I lied and said I made plans already but would try to rearrange them. Buuuuut since I already solidified plans with Nick, I didn’t want to be rude and cancel. Minutes after I left work and said goodbye, I met Nick a few blocks away. We kissed hello and headed into the café WHEN ONE OF MY COWORKERS WALKED OUT OF THE FRONT DOOR. OH MY GOD. How could I possibly cover this up!?
All three of us awkwardly said hello and quickly ran by each other… I literally just lied to her minutes ago saying I was meeting up with “a friend” but now I totally looked suspicious!! After shooting her a text, she promised to keep it to herself for the time being which made me feel immensely better. So much sneaking about and lying!! I can’t live like this!

Another couple months have gone by, and I’ve been dying to tell my co-workers! I’m terrible at lying when they ask how my weekend was, or if they’re curious what shift Nick is working and I happen to know. I’ve also been dying to write about all of these shenanigans but was too nervous they’d find out! After some time searching, Nick found a new job and we came clean. I don’t think I’m made for secret “office” romances!

I’m sad to say that I won’t have any OKCupid updates or stupid Tinder stories to share for awhile (hopefully anyway!) but I’m sure I’ll have fun, new stories to share as I’m understanding what it’s like to be in a relationship again after years of singledom.

On Thursday, I have a new foodie blog post to share! Stay tuned!

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OkCupid Nightmares

I feel like I’m slowly starting to lose faith in the male species and their ability to talk to women. I really don’t know how some phrases became the norm or when girls really started accepting their behavior… but here we are! I’m almost convinced at this point that I just keep my OkC accounts for pure humor because I’ve hardly gotten any message that I find remotely interesting…Well. Maybe I can’t say that exactly. The messages I get are definitely INTERESTING, as in maybe they need psychiatric evaluation interesting. But certainly not the genuine kind of interesting that I find attractive.

Lets get to it! Here are my newest slew of messages to share!

From BananaHead777:

What’s your opinion on fetishes?

My opinion is no thank you!! Also, how did you come up with your username….

From HotPotatoh:

dammit Abby there are two people in every picture of you, is that a conscious thing or do girls like to be confusing for the fun of it 🙂

First of all, not true. I have three individual photos on my page. Also, if you can’t figure out who I am from all the pictures I have posted by seeing who shows up over and over again, then it’s already over. Dumb.

From LivingIntheWild:

Hello 🙂 How’s your day going? So I know this is random, but would you mind if I asked for your advice/opinion on something dating related? I’ve asked my friends but people tend to be very polarized and biased so I thought asking a stranger here would be a bit more useful. P.S. you’re very intriguing and pretty btw!

I already got a message from a guy named andrewp014 asking this exact same thing and using the same pictures… so the first time, I responded saying yes I would answer a question. He then asked to call me on the phone and ask to which I declined but then he asked via the internet anyway… He asked me about his penis and my thoughts on circumcision! WHAT STOP GO AWAY!

So I ended up responding to him, cause I had ENOUGH of this shit and said,

“Are you going to ask me about your penis again andrewp014 ? Because you’ve already asked me before and it’s weird. Cut that shit out”

To which he replied, “huh?”

DONT MESS WITH ME LIVINGINTHEWILDERNESS!

From JohnJAmate:

Tetris isn’t nerdy it’s the epitome of Soviet Russia

………………………………….ok…..

From RockBass1977:

Hello there Abby. I liked your pictures and your profile. I’m an easy going guy who likes too laugh and enjoys having fun.
Music is my passion. I’ve been playing bass guitar now 28 years and it’s the best life. During the day I work as an medical assistant which I find very rewarding. If you want to know more, please message me. Thank you.

Rick

How many fucking usernames are you going to send me the same message under!? This is at least the third time I’ve gotten a message from Rick. LordBass1977, RockBass1977, SirRockBass1977… STOOOOOOOOOOOOOP

From LoveIsInTheAir44:

Omg you’re freaking beyond beautiful 😍😍 and I love your eyes!!! But what are you up to? And by the way I’m Ed. Do you have Instagram or snap chat at all?

Of course I have Instagram and snapchat… but I’m not going to send you nudies, you freak. I know why you were asking!!!! I’m onto you!

From samsungwolf:

hi amby

..I didn’t know my name was Amby?

From sherkhan333:

Hi how are you doing Madam? You sound interesting 🙂 what’s your name?

I’m a Madam? Really??

From bibz646:

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 Hi Hi

Which is the most shocking city in the world?? 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

Oh boy, I don’t even know where to begin… First of all, the profile says he’s from India. Why do people in other states/countries think I want to chat with them?! I don’t want to date anyone who isn’t within 15 minutes from me let alone thousands of miles away! Also, I don’t even know how to interpret that question… What does ‘shocking’ mean in this context???

But also, you guys have to see this guys profile pictures lololololol

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AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST!!

From chukM:

Trying out this online dating, trying to find a nice white girlfriend. Since I moved to the states I noticed there’s a high rate of racism, unlike the UK where its almost gone. I prefer light skinned ladies and I love cultured people. I was raised in a cultured environment where women are cherished and everyone treats each other with respect. I love cooking and I’d love to have a girlfriend I could shower with love, give her breakfast in bed and treat her like a princess. I think you are beautiful and you seem well cultured. Two things I also admire in ladies are ambitiousness and adventurousness. I’d be excited to see if you got them all. I’m chuck by name and I’d love to hear from you. Do you mind we getting to know other?

Whoa whoa whoa, I’m white!?! SINCE WHEN! I never noticed that about myself. Second: WOW. I feel so enlightened to know that the UK eradicated racism. If only the US could learn from them…

And personally, I don’t want to be treated as a princess. I want to be treated as an EQUAL. Does sexism not exist in the UK anymore either??

A nice white girlfriend my ass…

Matt from Buzzfeed has an absolutely HILARIOUS web series called Whine About It where he drinks wine at his desk and complains about stuff. Thought I’d share his SPOT ON video about online messages!

Anyway! I hope you guys got a couple laughs! On Food for Thought Thursday, I interviewed my roommate, Allie, who works as a manager at Shake Shack! Check out what her job experience is like! See you guys soon!

Hay is for horses; Hai is for horsegirls

Lexy is one of my absolute best friends from high school and I think our relationship has only gotten closer despite the physical distance between us since college and post grad. She’s also the funniest person I know and ALWAYS knows how to make me laugh about any topic. She’s recently entered the world of OkCupid and has a few anecdotes of her own… Trust me, if there’s one post on my blog you should read, it’s this one! ENJOY!


I have had the distinct privilege of knowing Abby since we were in high school. Though we live farther apart now (I’m still holding it down in PA…sort of), when she calls me on the phone and tells me some of the stories she tells you guys, it’s goes a little something like this on my end:

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What’s cool about our friendship is that when we call each other in a foaming panic about how being an adult is so stressful and scary, we actually manage to re-center ourselves and not give in to the chaos. Everyone needs a person like that, ya’ll. Think Mere Grey and Cristina Yang.

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When I read Abby’s blog, there are so many things I can speak to. I teach high school, and while I love my kids and my job, there are times I want to crawl under my desk. I also work a second job in a big box retail store, and I have way too many stories of atrocities committed by the public against me/ other retail workers (Abby, invite me back so I can tell them about all the shit I’ve seen. WITNESS ME.)

Aside from work, I’m looking for a gal who’s down to pal. Abby got me on OkCupid, and we joke often about the weirdo messages we get. Women can be just as bizzare when behind the mask of the Internet. Most recently, I got a message from a girl that asked no less than forty questions in the same initial introduction message (After opening with, “hai, I like ur hair”). Among them, she asked how I felt about girls who played video games and did I like horses? That’s when I knew.

Allow me to introduce you, Abby’s blog readers, to the phenomenon known as “horse girls.” Horse girls are the even crazier sister of the crazy cat lady. They may own, work with, show, jump, or at their most excessive, just be an obsessive fan of horses without any actual contact with them in real life. How did I canter down such a twisted path? I’ll admit, I dated a horse girl in college once (or should it be spelled “horsegirl?” There’s no telling where the horse stops and the girl begins…)

The sister of the girl I was dating worked with horses. My then girlfriend referred to these two horses as her “horse nephews.” She bought them hats, and had several framed pictures of them in her room. Guys, I would have bailed on that haystack right there, except…she was hot. How are the hot ones always crazy? Nature is a cruel mistress.

After a year of knowing each other and six months of dating in a stable relationship, I was just about ready to make plans to move in with horsegirl when she abruptly dipset. She trotted off into the distance, and I never heard from her again. So before you think I’m stuck on my high horse, she was the one that galloped away into the sunset, leaving me in the dust.


Thanks, Abby, for inviting me to guest write on Young Adultlescence. If you want to read more from me now and again about dating disasters, retail lyfe, identity & adultlescence, let Abby know in the comments! It’d be mo’ better.

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The author of this article adventuring in the wilds of Colorado.

Lexy is a teacher, retail store supervisor, sometime-writer, and full-time pizza/craft beer enthusiast. She lives in Pennsylvania with her Honda Civic, Hazel Grace. 

What happens in Myrtle… Doesn’t stay in Myrtle

I spent a week taking a vacation from my crazy life and took a trip with my roommates down to Myrtle Beach! I had never been to South Carolina and I hadn’t taken a real vacation in probably 3 or 4 years so I was in desperate need of some R&R. My roommate’s parents live down there and they own a condo that they rent out throughout the year and after a little schmoozing, we had a free place to stay- right near the boardwalk too!

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The hotel where we were staying was called Long Bay Resort and it was literally right on the beach! I was surprised at how shallow the beaches were to reach the ocean but they were as wide as your eye could see. Miles and miles of beach with soft sand and bath-water warm waves- it was perfect. We visited the beach a few days and spent the morning hours tanning (and burning OUCH CHARLIE) and then taking a dip in the ocean to cool off. I had never been in an ocean where I didn’t cringe just getting used to how cold the water was. Maybe it’s because the week was so hot and humid or perhaps it’s like the all the time, but you could just waltz right on in and enjoy the 80 degree ocean water.

530The first night we were there, we wanted to get all wild and crazy so we went to a place called Broadway at the Beach. It’s a shopping center of sorts- lots of wacky gift shops, a couple normal retail stores and a ton of hokey restaurants. But the coolest part was a section called Celebrity Circle! I would equate this area to a very mini Bourbon Street like in New Orleans. Here, you were allowed to carry open bottles and cans of alcohol and bars and clubs alike ran on either side of the street. Throughout the week, these bars host a pub crawl and on the weekends, the clubs get craaaazy! And alcohol is SUPER cheap! A shot and a mixed drink only cost me $9.50- that’s as much as I would pay for one mixed drink in Boston!

523Our first night we began at a place called Fat Tuesdays which was a daiquiri bar! YUM. There were 8-10 different flavors of daiquiris and they came in different sizes. We all went with a small ($6.25) and then added a test tube shot for only an extra dollar. That was definitely enough to start off your night right! So before we had gone out, my roommates went on my Tinder (they’re both in relationships- EW) and were swiping on any guy they thought was cute to see if we could get anyone to come meet us. We also posted two “moments” so I feel like you definitely reel more messages in when you snap a picture! And so while we’re sitting at Fat Tuesdays, I was checking my messages- some of which were REALLY crass.

524MOM THIS IS WHERE YOU SHOULD STOP READING AND PRETEND LIKE I’M STILL A SWEET ANGEL AND NOTHING EVER HAPPENS TO ME AND NO ONE EVER BOTHERS ME! I’M WARNING YOU! THESE STORIES MAY CHANGE YOUR OPINION OF ME AND/OR THE DATING WORLD I’M FORCED TO BE IN!

I got messages that ranged from:

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Looking gorgeous tonight ladies, I’d definitely meet you if I were closer :P”

“Hope you brought your Costco card cuz you’re about to get this dick in bulk” <-really!?

“You can come kiss me if you want”

“Hey cutie how’s it going? 🙂 “

But the worst message I have to paraphrase because it was then deleted but it said something along the lines of:

“You should come over to my place and just sit on my face”

My roommate Emma was so grossed out by this and we were sitting across the table from a group of guys. Drunkenly, Emma throws the phone in his face and says, “IS THIS ANY WAY TO TALK TO A LADY!?” The guy then reads the message, laughs and then tells us he thinks it’s funny. Emma windmills her arm above her head, points to the guy after he’s said what he said and says, “SWIPE LEFT ON THIS GUY!!!” to the whole bar! It was HILARIOUS. He totally blew any chance he or his group of friends who were slowly inching forward had to talking to a group of girls in that bar.

And this is only the beginning, my friends. We ended up going to a bar called Senor Frogs right across from Fat Tuesdays where there was plenty of dancing. The music was more R&B and Hip-Hop than I really liked/I can only white girl dance to so many of those songs before I’m totally out of place. My roommate had invited another Tinder guy to meet me at Senor Frogs but I thought fat chance in hell I would actually find him there. Little do I know but I get a tap on my shoulder while I’m dancing and at first ignore it thinking it’s someone who wants to dance. I get tapped again and turn around to see whats-his-name and he says, “Are you Abby?” OH GOD GUYS IT WAS SO AWKWARD. I stumbled my way through a short conversation introducing him to my friends and us to his. And then we turned around the keep dancing and ignore them because we were never interested in the first place. IT WAS SO WEIRD. Despite that happening, we had a great girl’s night with even a couple free drinks thrown in!

Dealing with my hangover the next day, we went to the beach and ended up spending the night at my roommate’s parent’s house where we went out to a nice dinner and spent the night watching a movie. The next day, we went crabbing too! (Check back on Thursday for a more in-depth post about all the food I ate/made/caught with my own two hands!) It was a beautiful, breezy day on the water and I had so much fun catching crabs and lounging in the sun and collecting shells. We even saw these teeny tiny crabs, OODLES AND OODLES OF THEM, just scurrying through the sea grass. It was so neat to see in person. I even picked up a large crab from behind and threw it in the water just as it was about to pinch me! Right on the verge of chopping my finger off but hey, it was fun.

After crabbing, we treated the parents to a Pelican’s game which is a minor league team down in Myrtle right near Broadway at the Beach. They were playing the Salem Red Sox ironically so even though I was rooting against the home team, I felt an allegiance to Boston. Of course, in true Red Sox fashion, they got their asses handed to them by the Pelicans but it was a fun game none-the-less. After the game we were gearing up for another night at Broadway at the Beach…538

MOM NO REALLY- STOP READING NOW PLEASE. AND IF YOU ARE READING THIS, PRETEND YOU DIDN’T SO WE DON’T TALK ABOUT IT ON THE PHONE AND I FEEL ALL OF YOUR JUDGEMENT!

I may or may not have taken about 4 shots before we left the hotel. Then at the bar bought a shot and a mixed drink and was convinced I wasn’t going to drink another drop. We went to a place called Malibu’s where ladies were free (HOLLA) and it was the last stop of the bar crawl. There were just enough people there for it to feel crowded but pleeeeeeenty of room to dance. I went up to the bar to get just ooooone last shot and asked for a “water and a kamikaze”. The bartender and I exchanged some sort of conversation that I obviously couldn’t hear because he then made me a DOUBLE watermelon kamikaze and no water… So I drank it, duh.

We’re having a great time and I was definitely feeling the liquid courage coursing through my veins. This group of three guys asked us to dance but since my roommates are both in relationships, nothing ever came of it. So we go back to dancing and I was kind of bummed because it’s a billion times harder to meet/dance/connect with guys when your wing women aren’t totally wing women, ya know? Allie, my other roommate then says to me, “well it looks like that guy behind you wants to dance with you”. So I just kind of scooted backwards and VOILA, we were now dancing together. …And then eventually we were making out with each other. And then dancing some more. I was having a blast, no lie.

Eventually it was time to go and I got the guys phone number with whom I was dancing. It was typed in as “Hinter White” but I have a feeling that that may have been a typo. That or I was dancing with Hunter Hayes in disguise. Whatever makes a better story, right? I kissed him goodbye, spun around and drunkenly bee-lined it to the door thinking my roommates were far ahead of me. Finally once I got outside, they were only a couple feet behind me and we also saw “Hinter” walk out- perhaps he thought he was coming with me, poor guy. Oops.

While waiting for our cab, we saw these guys in a mini-van who looked just barely legal and one of them was peeing outside of the car. Allie then said jokingly, “Hey, it’s like a penis but smaller!” which I’m still unclear about whether they heard or not. But all of a sudden, they’re yelling at us to come over to the van and talk to them! Just wanting to mess around and kill some time before our Uber showed up, we refused to budge saying that we were “parked right here” and they could come talk to us. So the guys pulled up in front of a barrier and got out and threw it aside to try and pull up in front of us. A security officer was walking around so they got scared and pulled away in their Mom-van.

A few minutes later, they must have circled back around and two of them got out of the car and walked over to us. They were literal babies, 18 and probably borrowing their Mom’s van, drinking beers in the backseat. When we asked how old they were, they said “Old enough sweetheart.” EW BYE. No way were their activities legal at their age but their response was, “I’m local-whatchu mean” *insert southern accent here*. Finally our Uber shows up and we hop in and head back to the hotel. On our way, the boys pull up next to us and ask where we were headed. Our driver was awesome and told them that we would follow them; we let them get in front of us when we took a sharp left leaving them in the dust! For us being his first Uber customers, he was hilarious and totally knew how to handle the situation.

The next morning I was greeted with a bitchin’ hangover and I had to wear my sunglasses inside for the first two hours until my headache went away. The following days were much more relaxed spending time on the beach and at the pool making it one of the best and most relaxing vacations I’ve ever taken.

If you stuck around and read the whole post, I commend you! Thanks for reading; hopefully you could visualize my vacation shenanigans. On Thursday, I’ll be writing some more about my time at Myrtle focusing on all my good southern eats so check back soon!

Don’t rip my clothes. Rude.

I’ve been answering OKCupid messages less and less these days. As always, I get messages in the middle of the night from gross weirdos as well as the messages that just say “hey”. WOW CREATIVE THAT GRABBED MY ATTENTION. I’ve debated deleting the account entirely but then what would I have to post on here?! My life would be less interesting so I’ve decided to hold onto it a little longer and relay the messages to the world to share! Check them out!

From Danny1991lb:
Ugh…Your gorgeous, and would like to chat if you would be interested ?😌

Ugh??! UGH?! What does that even meaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan. Maybe- Ugh, I can’t stand to look at you but lets talk anyway. Or- UUUGH I hate giving compliments but I’m gonaa give you one anyway. So effin weird. Go away.

From Rockyguns5:

Can I just be honest here, why beat around the bush…I’d love to tear your clothes off 😉

Uhm no. I’m poor, I can’t buy new clothes if you’re going to tear them? DUH.

From MikeHebden:

Weird question but what shoe size are you

No but for real. I’m half way curious answering because I really want to know why he needed to know? Maybe that’s the trick into getting girls to talk to him! Give them some sort of unfathomable question that they don’t have the answer to and know that girls can’t resist a good mystery…. SNEAKY MIKEHEBDEN SNEAKY

From Kylebeau:

howdy darlin, I was browsing profiles and came across yours and just wanted to say that you are absolutely beautiful…maybe if you like your men sweet southern and hung you will messsage me back 😉

Hmm… sweet and southern maybe. But hung? Like he’s really good at hanging up laundry to dry? Cause I could use someone to do my laundry for me….

From iconicLastWords:

Hi! I love Flour; it’s one of my favorite places to eat in Cambridge. But unfortunately I was only visiting this time.​

And then yet another message….

Parlez-vous français?

First message was maybe an okay thing to message. But he also lives in California soooooooooo why are you messaging me? And then when I don’t answer, why message me again? AND IN FRENCH?

From zaklev92:

Check my profile info and let me know if it sound good to you. I have my own place in watertown an would love to hit it off a woman as cute as you. Im respectful so if you came over i would think like a man and not a dog lol unless you change your mind but itd like to be intimate in all other ways and when the time is right you will be glad

okok let’s analyze this… You want to “hit it off a woman”…and you “like to be intimate in all other ways” and know that I “will be glad” YET IS RESPECTFUL AT THE SAME TIME AND IS “NOT A DOG”… That’s not a contradiction or anything. Ugh gross. So disrespectful and skeevy and self-indulged. BYEEEEEE

From LordBass1977:

Hello there Abby. I liked your pictures and your profile. I’m an easy going guy who likes too laugh and enjoys having fun.
Music is my passion. I’ve been playing bass guitar now 28 years and it’s the best life. During the day I work as an medical assistant which I find very rewarding. If you want to know more, please message me. Thank you. –Rick

Wait wait wait, didn’t he message me before? Once told me he played bass for like 27 years or whatever which then makes him 38 by the sounds of his profile name?? STOP ITTTTTTTTTTTTT YOU’RE TOO OLD GO AWAY

Occasionally I get a slew of polite messages of people who just seem to want to get to know me for me which I totally appreciate. But then they’re too young/old or they live really far away or I’m not attracted to them. Am I too picky?? Maybe I should just be brave and ask more people out in person. No shame in my game haaaaaaay. Maybe in my next dating update, I’ll have more stories (hopefully real life ones!) to share! Anybody else get a gazillion creepy messages? What’s the creepiest one you’ve received so far??

Check back on Thursday for an industry inside scoop on a large scale bread distributor in Boston- Iggy’s Bread of the World! Thanks for reading, friends!

Cute Old Farts Message Me

Wahoo! Another installment of the horrifying messages I receive on OkCupid and other dating sites! Let’s get right to the nitty gritty, why don’t we?

From Onetime1977:

I am a little older so if you would like to chat, cool.
if not I totally understand. I just liked your profile
and thought your pics were adorable. just sayin’
you are stunning!!

MEH. No where in my profile does it say I want to be hit on by men almost twice my age. GO AWAY!!! And also, one time what?? Is that the beginning of a story or the amount of times he’s been successful at hitting on a girl?

From blackk_diamond24:

Hello there lovely:) care to chat? I won’t bite lol

I feel like the people who say that are ACTUALLY the ones who bite… RUN AWAY ABBY

From RevolveandEvolve:

Hi Abby, I’m Patrick. I like you. Let’s be friendsz

How do you know you like me, Patrick? Bonus points for not blatantly hitting on me but are you really on this site to be friendszZZSssZZSszzssSSZ?

From CoolPerson1238:

Hi. I just joined this app today and wanted to have a friendly chat. I saw your profile and you look a amazing person to me. If you do not mind let’s have a friendly chat.

That one was from March 28th and the next day I got yet another message from him…

they are many girl here on this app. when people see then they go crazy. but to me only you are the most beautiful girls. when i see your eyes i think they are looking inside my soul. your hairs are so pretty.

Hmm ok where do I start? 20 years old and from Pakistan?? How is that even remotely supposed to work out even if he happens to be a normal non-psychopathic human? Sure… friendly chat? Is that what we’re calling it now? Also, the thing about my eyes scares me. Is that a compliment? Or does that make me kind of demonic? And thanks CoolPerson1238, I think my hairs are nice too.

From NB4_:

Hey Abby! How is it going?I don’t usually message people but you are totally worth it. I had a constant smile while reading through your profile. I would like to share my world with you. I like to express my feeling both with words and gifts plus free dinner on weekends!! Hurry offer lasts for limited time only.

Is this an infomercial? Gifts PLUS free dinner?? LIMITED TIME ONLY?! I’m such a lucky girl! I’m gonna message him RIGHT away! ………..NOT BYE FELICIA

From StraightFromMIA:

Honestly – I bet your Starbucks lovers wouldn’t even tell me you’re insane

Okok I see you. Points for trying to use a Taylor Swift pick up line.

From PulkitMania:

Hey your beauty makes the morning sun look like the dull glimmer of the moon. 😊 how’s it going?

Whoa whoa whoa, tryna pull out all the stops eh? But why are you messaging me from California?

From pEruquiAI:

Helloow ^^
Walking on the ropes of fate,
It appears I have stumbled upon you,
Are you my future best friend ?

No? I don’t think so?

And FINALLY! The best message of them all, so much so that I literally LOL-ed when I read this because it’s so ridiculous…

From CuteOldFart:

Hey there.

Please, please, please, do not take this as an insult. You’re absolutely beautiful, and I was wondering if you would consider giving me a 1 hour massage for $150.

I feel horribly asking you. I’d be happy to treat you to some lunch, dinner, a coffee, whatever first so you can meet me and decide. No pressure, no commitment.

Let me know if you’d consider it and we can talk more. Thanks so much

What does beauty and needing a massage have anything to do with one another? UGH SUCH A CREEP. If you feel horrible asking me, then WHY did you ask? NO NO NO NO NO! Here’s some pictures for your viewing pleasure since I was smart enough to screenshot the message before he disabled his account!

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So that’s all for now! As always, I’ll post again once I get even more gems! Maybe one day a nice, NORMAL boy will message me. But until then, I’ll keep posting the weirdo ones here. Giggle away, friends! On Food for Thought Thursday, I write about Baker Pet Peeves so come back and check it out then!