Don’t rip my clothes. Rude.

I’ve been answering OKCupid messages less and less these days. As always, I get messages in the middle of the night from gross weirdos as well as the messages that just say “hey”. WOW CREATIVE THAT GRABBED MY ATTENTION. I’ve debated deleting the account entirely but then what would I have to post on here?! My life would be less interesting so I’ve decided to hold onto it a little longer and relay the messages to the world to share! Check them out!

From Danny1991lb:
Ugh…Your gorgeous, and would like to chat if you would be interested ?😌

Ugh??! UGH?! What does that even meaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan. Maybe- Ugh, I can’t stand to look at you but lets talk anyway. Or- UUUGH I hate giving compliments but I’m gonaa give you one anyway. So effin weird. Go away.

From Rockyguns5:

Can I just be honest here, why beat around the bush…I’d love to tear your clothes off 😉

Uhm no. I’m poor, I can’t buy new clothes if you’re going to tear them? DUH.

From MikeHebden:

Weird question but what shoe size are you

No but for real. I’m half way curious answering because I really want to know why he needed to know? Maybe that’s the trick into getting girls to talk to him! Give them some sort of unfathomable question that they don’t have the answer to and know that girls can’t resist a good mystery…. SNEAKY MIKEHEBDEN SNEAKY

From Kylebeau:

howdy darlin, I was browsing profiles and came across yours and just wanted to say that you are absolutely beautiful…maybe if you like your men sweet southern and hung you will messsage me back 😉

Hmm… sweet and southern maybe. But hung? Like he’s really good at hanging up laundry to dry? Cause I could use someone to do my laundry for me….

From iconicLastWords:

Hi! I love Flour; it’s one of my favorite places to eat in Cambridge. But unfortunately I was only visiting this time.​

And then yet another message….

Parlez-vous français?

First message was maybe an okay thing to message. But he also lives in California soooooooooo why are you messaging me? And then when I don’t answer, why message me again? AND IN FRENCH?

From zaklev92:

Check my profile info and let me know if it sound good to you. I have my own place in watertown an would love to hit it off a woman as cute as you. Im respectful so if you came over i would think like a man and not a dog lol unless you change your mind but itd like to be intimate in all other ways and when the time is right you will be glad

okok let’s analyze this… You want to “hit it off a woman”…and you “like to be intimate in all other ways” and know that I “will be glad” YET IS RESPECTFUL AT THE SAME TIME AND IS “NOT A DOG”… That’s not a contradiction or anything. Ugh gross. So disrespectful and skeevy and self-indulged. BYEEEEEE

From LordBass1977:

Hello there Abby. I liked your pictures and your profile. I’m an easy going guy who likes too laugh and enjoys having fun.
Music is my passion. I’ve been playing bass guitar now 28 years and it’s the best life. During the day I work as an medical assistant which I find very rewarding. If you want to know more, please message me. Thank you. –Rick

Wait wait wait, didn’t he message me before? Once told me he played bass for like 27 years or whatever which then makes him 38 by the sounds of his profile name?? STOP ITTTTTTTTTTTTT YOU’RE TOO OLD GO AWAY

Occasionally I get a slew of polite messages of people who just seem to want to get to know me for me which I totally appreciate. But then they’re too young/old or they live really far away or I’m not attracted to them. Am I too picky?? Maybe I should just be brave and ask more people out in person. No shame in my game haaaaaaay. Maybe in my next dating update, I’ll have more stories (hopefully real life ones!) to share! Anybody else get a gazillion creepy messages? What’s the creepiest one you’ve received so far??

Check back on Thursday for an industry inside scoop on a large scale bread distributor in Boston- Iggy’s Bread of the World! Thanks for reading, friends!

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