I’m about to reveal the nitty gritty details. My innermost thoughts. A play by play of what happened during my first time. Surprising, I know, but don’t be in too much shock when I say that it wasn’t until a few weeks ago when I… GOT MY FIRST MASSAGE. Get your heads out of the gutters people, sheesh.
But no really, my first massage was a Christmas present Group-On from my parents and it literally couldn’t have come at a better time. I had been saving it for when I thought I would appreciate it the most. For those of you who don’t know or who live under a rock, Boston has been hit with the worst snowfall and has broken all sorts of weather records. Within 3 weeks in February, we accumulated over 100 inches of snow and counting. There is literally NO MORE ROOM for snow. I shovel snow onto these 12 foot piles just to have a place to park my car. Forget being a pedestrian these days, sidewalks are a nightmare. I live in Boston for their New England summers but these winters are KILLER.
But anyway! Like I said, this massage couldn’t come soon enough. But I’ve also never had a real massage! So like… how do you get one? What’s it like? Are you totally naked or no? I had about a thousand questions that I was too weirded out to ask so naturally, I just struggled awkwardly internally. I figured I’d share my thoughts during my massage with you so here goes:
-Oh wow, this place is fancy.
-Why does every TV have the ocean on it? Oh right, this is “relaxing” because I’m obviously not in the middle of a Boston winter right now.
-Put this robe on? …do I take ALL my clothes off? Or leave underwear on? Should I ask this woman that just came back in? No no, that’s awkward. Ugh ok, just ask her because it would be more awkward if you show up naked and you aren’t supposed to be..
–I feel like I’m in a porno…
– Focus on the waves. Shut your brain off. …Abby, shut up and watch the waves.
– Climb under this towel and put my face in that cushion thing.. hmm seems easy enough. Oh wait, this towel isn’t covering my butt *fixes that*
– Wait, what do I do with my arms? Hanging down? No… Under my head? No, that’s stupid. Above the towel or under? (sidenote: I ended up picking above the towel and then the masseuse fixed me. DUMMY MOVE)
– Holy sweet jesus, this is nice. I never want this to end. How many minutes has it been and how much longer do I have?
– ABBY. SHUT UP AND JUST ENJOY THE MASSAGE.
– Is this liquid stuff like KY Warming lube? It like… warms up every time the masseuse touches me…
– THIS IS SO GREAT WHY CAN’T I GET A MASSAGE EVERY DAY.
– This is kinda putting me to sleep… don’t fall asleep that would be awkward. Abby- WAKE UP.
– (*turns over and masseuse proceeds to arms and legs) I really hate feet. Don’t touch my feet.
– She doesn’t know you don’t like feet, Abby. Either tell her or deal with it. Don’t laugh. Stop twitching. ABBY BE NORMAL FOR ONCE.
– Wait, what? 50 minutes is over already!?!? NOOOOOOOO.
Despite my brain never turning off, that massage was one of the best Christmas presents I could’ve ever asked for. I’d TOTALLY recommend it. When I went to stand up so I could get dressed, my body felt like a drunk jellyfish. I literally stumbled as I was trying to walk because my body was so relaxed. Man, if I were rich, I’d get one of those every day. 24/7 no doubt!