1. “All About The Bass” by Megan Trainer
I drive my car at least 4 times a day between my two jobs and WITHOUT fail, this song comes on EVERY TIME I’m in the car. I went from being all about that bass and the booty to NOT GIVING A SHIT ABOUT THE BOOTY. Take your booty elsewhere because your ass is grass.
2. Hair not attached to my (or anyone else’s) head.
The SECOND that hair comes off of my head, it turns from this luxurious and soft creature into a demonic nightmare of clingyness. It’s in the hallway. Its in the bathroom. In the drain. On my clothes. Sitting in dust balls. WHERE DOES IT ALL COME FROM.
3. Feedback between my phone and my alarm clock
At night, my phone and my alarm clock live on the same night stand for many purposes. My first alarm goes off on my phone, which sleep-deprived Abby unknowingly turns off only to be followed by another alarm on the alarm clock. I then snooze that and wait another 9 minutes to extricate myself out of bed. At this point, I look at my phone for any missed messages/calls/facebook updates/etc that I miss during normal human hours and the hours when I have to wake up. They all play important roles in my rituals. HOWEVER. God forbid I’m trying to fall asleep and I inevitably hear that annoying chirping feedback noise that ghosts induce in my electronics. KILL ME.
4. Dishes left in the sink for daaaaaaaaaaaaays
Okay, I’ll admit. I’m just a tad OCD on this one.
5. Animals and kids
I don’t like any kind of animals. I know, unpopular opinion. I have no soul yada yada yada. They’re needy and smelly and they get hair everywhere (refer to #2) and aint nobody got time for all of that. I’m struggling enough adulting on my own let alone trying to take care of something that’s super dependent on me.
And for irony’s sake, I’m not the biggest fan of kids. Yes yes I’m a part time nanny so I shouldn’t be saying that buuuuuuuuut I’m 22 and I have two car seats permanently in my backseat. I also have to answer the question, “Will you wipe my butt?” on a daily basis. I could do without that please and thank you
6. Drunk people thinking I’m a cabbie
I work at 4AM so therefore I leave my house at like 3:20 so I can get to work early and set up. Just because I drive a white car in the dead ass middle of the night doesn’t mean I’m a cabbie!! I’ve had MULTIPLE people try and flag me down on my way to work and being stuck at a red light while they’re waving to you is not fun. BYEE
7. When guys on OkCupid ask what’s my favorite thing to bake
Just because I’m a baker and I work in a bakery doesn’t mean my house is filled with delicious treats 24/7. I only eat cereal and grilled cheese outside of work so don’t ask me to make anything fancy. Just a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios will do. Since you work in construction, what’s your favorite thing to build? If you teach, whats your favorite assignment to grade? If you are a financial analyst, what type of 50 page spreadsheets do you like to read for fun? PLEASE MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE
8. When people say they can relate to me “because they used to work at Applebee’s”
THIS IS NOT EVEN CLOSE TO BEING A JOKE PEOPLE. THIS HAPPENED TO ME RECENTLY. Do I have a tattoo on my forehead that says “I love talking to weird people about my career and life choices while I’m busy working”? Also, being a server at Applebee’s is EXACTLY like being a professional chef. RIGHT.
Okok enough with the ranting. I know I’m crazy but at least I can admit it right? What makes you feel irrational?